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50 Shades of Grey, [Actually!] Abridged [Actually!]

He cocks his head to one side…

"I shall be conferring the degrees at this year’s graduation ceremony."

He cocks his head to one side.

He tilts his head to one side…

I realize I’m biting my lip…

"Shall I show you?"

He cocks his head to one side. 

I bite my lip in anticipation…

"Shall we say nine thirty tomorrow morning?"

She purses her lips…

… my subconscious kicks in with pursed lips.

I bite my lip…

He cocks his head to one side…

It’s Friday, and we shall be celebrating…

I shall never have to sit in rows of anxious, isolated students again.

I try to bite my lip. 

He cocks his head to one side…

He tilts his head to one side…

"I’d like to bite that lip," he whispers darkly. 

And he wants to bite my lip…

I bite my lip. 

"Shall I pick you up?"

… I’m aware that I’m biting my lip.

… stop biting your lip, please. 

… he cocks his head to one side…

"… I shall reward you."

"… I shall punish you…"

"… you’re biting your lip again."

He purses his lips at me. 

I squirm uncomfortably and bite my lip. 

"You’re biting your lip."

"I want to bite this lip…"

"Let’s get this jacket off, shall we?"

"You’re biting your lip…"

She’s staring at me with pursed lips…

I purse my lips. 

I purse my lips. 

"Stop biting your lip."

I’m not even aware I’ve been biting my lip. 

"I know that lip is delicious… but will you stop biting it?"

I smile and consciously bite my lip. 

"… what shall I do with you?"

My subconscious purses her lips…

"What is it?" he asks, cocking his head to one side. 

"Stop biting your lip, or I will fuck you in the elevator…"

I purse my lips, exasperated. 

"Stop biting that lip," he growls.

I giggle, and he cocks his head to one side. 

"… shall I cook?"

"Are you biting your lower lip deliberately?" he asks darkly. 

"I wasn’t aware I was biting my lip," I murmur softly. 

"You’re biting that lip, Anastasia."

"How shall I fuck you, Anastasia?"

"Shall I fuck you this way, or this way, or this way?"

I purse my lips at him. 

"Where shall I meet you?"

Making a supreme effort not to bite my lip, I move forward… 

"… shall we get down to the nitty-gritty?"

"Don’t bite your lip," he whispers. 

"I shall redraft."

I bite my lip…

He purses his lips. 

On one level it’s up there with “I want to bite that lip”…

Picking up a spear of asparagus, I gaze at him and bite my lip. 

I bite my lip. 

… he cocks his head to one side…

I release my lower lip from my teeth. 

"Shall we go through the soft limits?"

I purse my lips at him. 

"You’re biting your lip," he says darkly. 

"Shall I make you come this way?" he whispers. 

"I can’t keep still if you’re going to bite that lip," he warns. 

I cock my head to one side…

… I shall only spend another two nights…

"… if you don’t, I shall punish you…"

Kate purses her lips. 

"Shall we finish packing?"

"Shall I see you at 1 p.m. Sunday?"

"Shall we walk down to the bar?"

I shall miss him and his boyish charm. 

"You’re biting your lip," he breathes. 

"Shall I make you come?"

I shall go meet his parents…

"Shall we go and meet my parents?"

Mr. Grey cocks his head to one side… 

"Don’t bite your lip," he murmurs huskily. 

"Shall I give you a tour of the grounds?"

He’s mad about something – could be José, no panties, biting my lip. 

I purse my lips. 

He cocks his head to one side. 

I purse my lips. 

He cocks his head to one side. 

"I shall put you across my knee."

"… shall I lay you across my desk now?"

I cock my head to one side. 

He says my name softly and cocks his head to one side. 

I shall have to wait and see.

She cocks her head to one side – gah!

Kate gazes at me with pursed lips. 

"I shall take impeccable as a compliment…"

I shall email him from the plane. 

I shall be airborne and out of reach. 

"I shall try to give you the space you need…"

"I shall remember that…"

He cocks his head to one side. 

"I shall leave you to your evening."

"Please stop biting your lip."

I bite my bottom lip… 

He cocks his head to one side…

I purse my lips in quiet contemplation. 

"Don’t bite your lip," he orders. 

"Shall I give you folks another minute to decide?"

I purse my lips. 

I shall maintain radio silence…

"So what shall we do for half an hour?"

"And you’re biting your lip," he breathes. 

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Here it is! My first-ever talk I gave at Çingleton 2013! It’s edited so well that you can barely even tell my computer kernel panicked at around 3:45. 

I really loved being a speaker this year and hope it’s something I can practice more. Please, internet, give me a microphone and a spotlight more often because I CRAVE IT. 

Thanks so much to my buddy Guy English for believing in me, and to Lex, Scott, Clarko, Matt, and Neven for volunteering their faces for my talk. 

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Let’s reconsider our “clients”

cli•ent

/klīǝnt/

Noun

1. A person or organization using the services of a lawyer or other professional person or company. 

2. A person receiving sexual services in return for money

Synonyms

customer, patron, buyer, john, trick

During a Pacific Helm board meeting, our co-founder Louie, pulled me aside and asked me a stupid question. 

"Why do we call all the people we work with ’clients’?"

"I don’t know. We’ve always called them that."

It wasn’t something I’ve thought about for some time because it’s a useless problem to think about that doesn’t do much to solve the challenges we face as a business. But let’s talk about it anyway. The term “client” made its appearance in business since the dawn of business (prostitution). It was solidified in professional culture as a person who pays to receive a service, such as a ten-dollar blowjob. It’s strange to me that blowjobs are only ten dollars. Think about all the other things that cost ten dollars; a Square card reader, a bad haircut, a banana. What was I talking about again? 

Right: clients. Client is kind of a weird word when you think about it. Client. Cli-ent. Cllllient. Cliiiiiient. C-lie-nt. Client. It doesn’t even sound like a word anymore! Isn’t it weird how that happens? Anyway yeah. Why would we use such a weird word to refer to the people who are bankrolling our lives? It’s impersonal, it’s reductive, it’s stale. 

At Pacific Helm we’re removing the term “clients” from our vocabulary and replacing it with “friends” and the more specific “friends with monetary benefits”. Clients are something a whore does for money. Or candy. The word “friends with monetary benefits” sets a high bar for the mutual relationship we have with our clients that is free of any potential sexual connotation. Unless you want there to be. 

To everyone in the technology industry: I encourage you to reconsider the word “client”. If I ever say the word “client” again, immediately charge me $140*. Why? Because I am rich. Haha. As if you didn’t already know that. 

JESSIECHAR

*Terms and conditions may apply. Valid only for the first 5 recipients or until I change my mind. Please submit invoice to jack@squareup.com. 

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Thanks Google.

Thanks Google.

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Track 1- Somebody’s Practicing Guitar (Again)
Track 2- Drip, Drip, Drop… Actually Where Is That Coming From
Track 3- Woooooooooo!
Track 4- Bitch You CRAZY! Bang-bang-bang 
Track 5- The Wheels on the Bus Go SCEEEEERSTCHH
Track 6-  Midnight Screamin’
Track 7- Don’t Worry That’s Just An M-80
Track 8- Awkward Neighbor Sex Jam
Track 9- That Must Be One Huge Fucking Fire
Track 10- Cat Or Baby? 
Track 11- VROOM VROOM GOES THE ASSHOLE ON THE MOTORCYCLE 
Track 12- Fifteen Different Kinds Of Car Horns
Track 13- That One Was Probably A Gunshot
BONUS TRACK- 90 Minute Car Alarm Loop

Track 1- Somebody’s Practicing Guitar (Again)

Track 2- Drip, Drip, Drop… Actually Where Is That Coming From

Track 3- Woooooooooo!

Track 4- Bitch You CRAZY! Bang-bang-bang 

Track 5- The Wheels on the Bus Go SCEEEEERSTCHH

Track 6-  Midnight Screamin’

Track 7- Don’t Worry That’s Just An M-80

Track 8- Awkward Neighbor Sex Jam

Track 9- That Must Be One Huge Fucking Fire

Track 10- Cat Or Baby? 

Track 11- VROOM VROOM GOES THE ASSHOLE ON THE MOTORCYCLE 

Track 12- Fifteen Different Kinds Of Car Horns

Track 13- That One Was Probably A Gunshot

BONUS TRACK- 90 Minute Car Alarm Loop

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Filed under: Hot Gossip > Celebrity Feuds > Podcaster Punchouts 
GET THE SCOOP ON THE TALK SHOW LEAVING 5BY5! 
Oh no you didn’t! LOL!
It looks like celebriblogger John Gruber released another episode of his popular podcast The Talk Show… ON THE 5BY5 MULE RADIO NETWORK! 
While Gruber (of Daring Fireball fame) has been podcasting on The Talk Show since before the inception of the 5by5 network many of his super fans have been startled by the announcement. Sources say he and longtime gal pal Mike Monteiro “just wanted to be closer to each other, always” but WE THINK SOMETHING ELSE IS UP. 
What happened to that other guy he used to podcast with? 
T-shirt turbulence? 
Financial feuds?
An intricate theoretical argument between multiple parties that we have no reason to believe actually happened? We deserve to know!!
 TELL US WHAT YOU THINK! 

Filed under: Hot Gossip > Celebrity Feuds > Podcaster Punchouts 

GET THE SCOOP ON THE TALK SHOW LEAVING 5BY5! 


Oh no you didn’t! LOL!

It looks like celebriblogger John Gruber released another episode of his popular podcast The Talk Show… ON THE 5BY5 MULE RADIO NETWORK! 

While Gruber (of Daring Fireball fame) has been podcasting on The Talk Show since before the inception of the 5by5 network many of his super fans have been startled by the announcement. Sources say he and longtime gal pal Mike Monteiro “just wanted to be closer to each other, always” but WE THINK SOMETHING ELSE IS UP. 

What happened to that other guy he used to podcast with? 

T-shirt turbulence? 

Financial feuds?

An intricate theoretical argument between multiple parties that we have no reason to believe actually happened? We deserve to know!!

 TELL US WHAT YOU THINK! 

Audio

Anyone else have a dream about eating Italian at 2am while Scott, Merlin, and Matt sang Smiths songs? 

UPDATE: Apparently it was real. 

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You Look Nice Today Starter Pack

Here’s what you need to know:

The Dance.

The Name.

The Cocktail.

The Business. 

The Sidekick. 

Tags: ylntpack
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Handy guide for those thinking about purchasing an iPad. 

Handy guide for those thinking about purchasing an iPad. 

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Hey kids, check out the new podcast by yours truly (with a little help from Permenter). 
(via jasonpermenter)

Hey kids, check out the new podcast by yours truly (with a little help from Permenter). 

(via jasonpermenter)